HEAVY. When your anxieties get weighed down by the intensity of being!
There is something about feeling sorrowful and downhearted, that makes us react to things in our daily life in a completely different way. This affirmation seems quite obvious you would say. But the way I experienced it, it felt like magic. It magically solved things I was struggling with since forever. Bare with me. I will explain.
I spent the past couple of days feeling mournful and emotionally traumatized because of a heartbreak, to cut it short. I could sense this deep black hole inside me that’s sucking my hopes and fantasies, my foolishness (I still do)… I am overwhelmed with melancholy and grief because of the way things are. I would spend the night awake between listening to sad songs, crying, and overthinking my head off. And although I could’ve stayed home at daylight, I didn’t because I know I would go nuts and I also had things to do outside anyway. Now comes the part that I am interested in.
You can imagine that with things being the way they are now, I didn’t want to encounter anyone. I am talking of course about the majority of people in your life that you don’t know or trust enough to vent for, but you still know them enough that you cannot avoid cracking a fake greeting smile at the sight of them and indulge in a small talk before you move on your way. And that’s exactly what I didn’t want to do. I was rather unable to do that, to appear “okay” and cheerful to those who expect me to…To have that brief pretentious interaction. I went to a coffee shop to finish some work, alone. But to my unfortunate luck, it was crowdier than I’ve ever seen it before. I even bumped into an old classmate. It was irritating. I moved somewhere else. But then I got out and after that and the next day as well, I went to social events, cinema clubs, and an exhibition. And I noticed a change in my behavior.
I would normally have these subtle anxieties around social situations. I have this thing where I would worry most of the time about how people perceive me. And thus I’d feel uncomfortable and anxious about my looks, about walking and speaking and the smallest of gestures I do.
But during this time I spent around people while bearing this sorrow and ache in my heart, I wasn’t at all anxious about the things I used to worry about. It felt as if these minor worries didn’t have any meaning against the weight of the pain I was feeling. And I didn’t rationalize it, in order to come to this state of mind and behavior. I just felt it.
It felt like I am moving slower, and I am more at ease and comfortable in my own pace, and in my own skin. I was almost intact. I didn’t rush myself to do anything or pushed myself to “fit” in... To fit into the timing, mood, and assumed expectations of others. I was just being.. the way I am.. and feeling the way I feel. The whole thing was like an anchor holding me, my entire body and motion, to those painful feelings.
At some point, I caught myself feeling slightly awkward and nervous when I was standing alone confused about what to do next among a group of people I was with. My instinctive reaction was to cancel it out by a movement, mainly keep myself busy with something to not keep standing like an awkward fuck. But I stopped before I could jump into that. I gave up to the awkwardness and to the risks that I would appear a certain way that I didn’t like. As if I had looked that anxiety to the eyes and surrendered to it. I didn’t care. And it felt great, I’d dare to say, a bit orgasmic even, a bit of a relief. Even with my parents, the things they do that used to break my nerves just disappeared behind the pain. I was more receptive and less nervous.
Those anxieties and little worries haven’t really vanished but they were rather weighted down. They were put into the shadows. They were given the amount of attention they deserve. Just like a DOP would play with lightning inside of his frame, and cast light only on the objects he wanted and needed to highlight and put into perspective. Those are the objects and parts of the frame that would have the most impact on the viewer.
Now I know you may think; this is after all temporary, it would fade out eventually. And you would come back feeling empty enough at those moments to be absorbed by your anxieties again, and irritated by the smallest details. But just imagine with me if I could feel this way the whole time, or at least be altered a bit after this. I wish it could keep floating around my heart all the time, I wish it could last, not that it’s great in any way (except for this), it hurts, it’s hard… but it’s authentic! It’s big!
Milan Kundera once wrote in his amazing novel ‘The unbearable lightness of Being’ :
“The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to earth, the more real and truthful they become.”
